Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
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mom gave me mine for free
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please