That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.