There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?