Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
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my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.