Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.