just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
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As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
#Caturday
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Very problematic
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.