Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
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My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.