They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU