5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.