[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos