This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
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If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist