*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.