Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
damn he’s good
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: