You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.