When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”