*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”