Beware of fowl play.
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I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.