*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
We like the way Dwight thinks
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot