BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
i think both sides are to blame here
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello