When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Whoa 😂
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?