boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: