Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
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For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Best spoiler warning ever
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!