We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.