If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
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Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
the only organized thing in my life is crime