the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever