Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac