Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years