DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
5 ways to appear taller
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon