The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
😂😂
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.