Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I think we should hear other voices.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.