8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
You Might Also Like
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.