With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir