Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!