*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target