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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick