“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy