*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
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“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.