I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
a god among men
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?