Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Wait for it
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”