Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
You Might Also Like
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something