I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
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Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
thank god
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay