Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.