[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
You Might Also Like
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Don’t tell me what to do
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.