Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend