Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.