Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.