Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
You Might Also Like
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
fourth time’s the charm
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)