I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
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Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Owl Sanctuary
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.