[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.