*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!